Circumstances

For three weeks now I have been thinking about what to write that can sum up what God has taught me at this point in my dad’s journey with cancer. I don’t even know how many blog posts I've written, re-written, or even just thought up. Yet none seem to be sufficient. There is too much to say, and still so much to learn.

The other day, however, I read a line in a book that summed up exactly what I have spent pages and pages trying to write:

“If your heart is not right, your Christianity will last only as long as circumstances allow you to have everything you want.”
Mark Dever

Think about that. Read it again; and again; and think about it.

Four weeks ago I sat on the edge of my dad’s bed, holding his hand as he took his last breath. Tears rolled down my face as memories of my childhood with dad flashed through my mind; and then thoughts of all the things we will no longer be able to do together.

Circumstances were not allowing me to have everything I wanted – I want my dad, but I don’t get him anymore.

Some people think that being a Christian means life magically becomes comfortable, easy, and pain-free, but in fact Paul says it ought to be the opposite:

“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord or of me His prisoner; but join with me in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God…”
2 Timothy 1:8

Paul was a prisoner, urging Timothy not to fear the hardships he was about to face as a Christ follower, but rather to JOIN with Paul in his suffering for the sake of the Gospel.

Christ-follower or not, hardships will come. Bad things will happen to good people. Circumstances will forbid you to have everything you want. It is in these moments that I believe we, as followers of Christ, get to see what our faith is all about. Many fall away from the Lord during hard times, blaming God for “allowing this to happen” to the person they love so dearly. I can see how this would be a temptation, but between you and I, if hard times are going to come whether I trust God or not, I would rather choose to be held by the Creator of the universe and the Sustainer of life during these hard times; and I would much rather prefer to have the peace, hope and joy that God can offer.

At this point, I would like to clarify a couple of things:

1) I am by no means saying that hardships will make us happy. I am regularly sad and my heart continues to break when I think of my dad. There are some days that my heart physically hurts from missing him, longing for him to still be around. However, through this entire journey with cancer, I have been surrounded with peace that I cannot even begin to explain, and a hope that God is doing something so great – despite my ability to understand, now or ever.

And 2) I am also not saying that choosing to follow Christ will take away the hard part of a hardship. Losing my father has been the hardest thing I have done in my life thus far. I never imagined, at 23, that I would be looking into the sunken eyes of my 51 year old dad, giving him permission to die; telling him it’s okay to stop fighting. I never imagined, at 23, lying next to my unconscious father in bed, waiting for his heart to stop beating, telling him how much I love him and would miss him; reassuring him that we would be okay, and that I am so proud to have him as my dad. Hardships are called hardships for a reason – they are hard. Yet, even when I felt I couldn’t go another day. Even when I had no words left to pray, God poured out His strength on me, and sometimes it was just enough to get to the next minute or hour or day, but it was enough; and it continues to be the reason why I choose to trust Him in all things, and through all things, because I know that in my darkest times, his love and strength carried me.

“But the LORD has been my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge”

Psalm 94:22

As I said at the beginning, I still have a lot of learning to do, but I want to encourage you, my reader, to stop and think about your own heart. Does your faith only last as long as circumstances will allow you to have everything you want? Would you be able to stand on the promises of God if everything dear to you was taken away? Would you still trust God if someone you loved with all of your heart was taken sooner than you expected? Or would you walk away, blaming God for the sin that mankind brought upon the earth, causing bad things to happen to good people? To be completely honest, you may not be able to answer this question until you are faced with a hardship that causes you to make the choice; but when you do, I hope with all my heart that you will choose the Lord to carry you. Because He will, and you won't regret it.

“May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.”

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Jenna’s Journal

The Rock of my Refuge

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

"The LORD has been my stronghold, And my God the rock of my refuge."

Psalm 94:22

Just over two years ago I wrote a blog, "Cancer", which gave an introduction to my family's journey through the diagnosis of cancer to my dad. I've thought many times of posting an update throughout this journey, but felt as though dad covered it well on his Caring Bridge. Today, though, was different. Today, we all experienced a new part of this journey from our own perspectives. Today, we all took a step out, knowing the suffering that it would cause. Today, we met with the doctor, nurse and cancer care coordinator that have been taking such great care of my dad. Today we talked about "what's next".

There is not much that can be said or done to prepare for this day. Emotions ran high: before, during and after. Everything was put out on the table.

Talking about death was no longer avoided.

The past two years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs; good days and bad days; laughter and tears. But what has never ceased to amaze me is God's Love for our family. The way he has provided is far more than any of us could ever expect. He has provided financially, through gifts, meals, and gas cards. He has provided physically, through the Gorecki Guest House and the Ronald McDonald House. He has provided emotionally, through surrounding us with family, friends and strangers who have lifted us up in prayer, sat in the waiting room during surgeries, and sent letters, e-mails or have called. He has provided for us spiritually, through His Word. His written love letter to those who call upon Him, to those whom He loves, and to those who need to know they are intimately loved by a great and mighty God. A God who promises to never leave them nor forsake them.

Leaving the cancer center today with my family and heading towards my home tonight, I was in tears. Yes, for the obvious reasons, but the thing that stood above all of those was that God is SO good. His peace was overwhelming today, and has been since day one of this journey. I am in awe of my Creator because of not only what He has done for me, but that He cares so deeply - about me, about my family, about my dad - that He would send His Son, to die the death of a sinner, even though he had no sin, to take my sin away; to release me from the chains of that sin. To release my dad and my family from the chains of this cancer. We are free in Christ. Dad is free in Christ. And there is no greater comfort than that.

I have NOT given up hope on what God is doing in my dad's life. And dad is by no means ready to give up the fight, either, as he gets stronger each day. I do believe that He can work a miracle and rid my dad's body of cancer.  But I also know that if He so chooses not to, I have a Rock within my Refuge that will stand strong for me, for my family. I have a God that has a bigger plan beyond the small lens I look through.

I know that my life has been forever changed because of cancer. Maybe you have a story, too. Be it yourself or someone in your life. One of the best things you can do, as we have learned through our journey, is to share your story! You never know who else may be struggling, or even who else may be having some early cancer symptoms and may get checked out because of your story (this has happened multiple times with my dad's story). I invite you to share your story in the comments below, or send me an e-mail (jorrock8@gmail.com). I'd love to hear your story, and pray for you, as countless people have been doing for us.

Jenna's Journal