For three weeks now I have been thinking about what to write
that can sum up what God has taught me at this point in my dad’s journey with
cancer. I don’t even know how many blog posts I've written, re-written, or even just thought up. Yet none seem to be sufficient. There is too much to say,
and still so much to learn.
The other day, however, I read a line in a book that summed up exactly what I have
spent pages and pages trying to write:
“If your heart is not right, your Christianity will last only as long
as circumstances allow you to have everything you want.”
Mark Dever
Mark Dever
Think about that. Read it again; and again; and think about
it.
Circumstances were not allowing me to have everything I
wanted – I want my dad, but I don’t get him anymore.
Some people think that being a Christian means life
magically becomes comfortable, easy, and pain-free, but
in fact Paul says it ought to be the opposite:
“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord or of me His
prisoner; but join with me in suffering for the gospel according to the power
of God…”
2 Timothy 1:8
2 Timothy 1:8
Paul was a prisoner, urging Timothy not to fear the
hardships he was about to face as a Christ follower, but rather to JOIN with Paul in his suffering for the
sake of the Gospel.
Christ-follower or not, hardships will come. Bad things will
happen to good people. Circumstances will forbid you to have everything you
want. It is in these moments that I believe we, as followers of Christ, get to
see what our faith is all about. Many fall away from the Lord during hard
times, blaming God for “allowing this to happen” to the person they love so
dearly. I can see how this would be a temptation, but between you and I, if
hard times are going to come whether I trust God or not, I would rather choose to be held by the Creator of the universe and the Sustainer of life during these hard times; and I would much rather prefer to have the peace, hope and joy that God can offer.
At this point, I would like to clarify a couple of things:
1) I am by no means saying that hardships will make us happy. I am regularly sad and my heart continues to break when I think
of my dad. There are some days that my heart physically hurts from missing him, longing for him to still be around. However, through this entire
journey with cancer, I have been surrounded with peace that I cannot even begin
to explain, and a hope that God is doing something so great – despite my ability
to understand, now or ever.
And 2) I am also not saying that choosing to follow Christ
will take away the hard part of a hardship. Losing my father has been the hardest thing I have done in my
life thus far. I never imagined, at 23, that I would be looking into the sunken
eyes of my 51 year old dad, giving him permission to die; telling him it’s
okay to stop fighting. I never imagined, at 23, lying next to my unconscious
father in bed, waiting for his heart to stop beating, telling him how much I
love him and would miss him; reassuring him that we would be okay, and that I
am so proud to have him as my dad. Hardships are called hardships for a reason –
they are hard. Yet, even when I felt I couldn’t go another day. Even when I had
no words left to pray, God poured out His strength on me, and sometimes it was just
enough to get to the next minute or hour or day, but it was enough; and it
continues to be the reason why I choose to trust Him in all things, and through
all things, because I know that in my darkest times, his love and strength
carried me.
“But the LORD has been my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge”
Psalm 94:22
As I said at the beginning, I still have a lot of learning
to do, but I want to encourage you, my reader, to stop and think about your own
heart. Does your faith only last as long as circumstances will allow you to
have everything you want? Would you be able to stand on the promises of God if
everything dear to you was taken away? Would you still trust God if someone you
loved with all of your heart was taken sooner than you expected? Or would you
walk away, blaming God for the sin that mankind brought upon the earth, causing bad things to happen to good people? To be completely honest, you may
not be able to answer this question until you are faced with a hardship that
causes you to make the choice; but when you do, I hope with all my heart that you will choose the Lord
to carry you. Because He will, and you won't regret it.
“May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.”
2 Thessalonians 3:5
Jenna’s Journal
My sweet Jenna- I went through what you are going through a year ago one month earlier. I can say it does get a little better. I don't cry as much anymore but i still miss him everyday. He was only 63. I allowed God to carry me as he is carrying you! You are stronger than you think! I pray for you and your family. If you ever want to get together to talk just let me know.
ReplyDeleteWow Jenna... Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You have an amazing heart, and faith about you. Thank you for the reminders on what all of this faith actually means (and should mean) to me. I think about your family quite often, and want you to know you're all in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThat was such a great thing to read and a great reminder that everything we go through in life happens for a reason. I lost my dad to cancer 4 years ago and for a while I was mad, just mad that it wad cancer that took him, mad because once our relationship became strong after years of hardships his chance to be the person he's always wanted to be was taken away, just mad and selfish that he was gone. But I knew I could never be mad at God for him passing. God gave my dad the strength to hold on as long as he did... My dad waited until he had all three of his girls together with him again before he passed. Our last hours with him included walking him around outside the hospital talking to him with no response back, feeding him his lunch because he couldn't lift the spoon himself, sitting on his bed sharing memories that made us laugh... And I'm sure you did similar things before he took his last breath. As hard as it was to see them that way I wouldn't have changed it because I thank God he allowed my dad to keep going until that very day when we shared that special time. Even though he couldn't say it we knew he was so happy and blessed we were there with him. Jenna you're such an inspiration and for some people is easier to say things will get better when they haven't gone through a loss of a loved one like cancer, but it's still important that we all know God has our best interests at heart, he sees clearly the pain we go through but it allows us to become stronger human beings. Keep the faith Jenna and thank you for sharing! Bless Brian as well as you're family.
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