The hardest days of my life

I found this draft of a blog post recently, and wanted to share it. It recalls the last week and half of my father's life:

On July 17, 2014 I received the phone call I had been dreading for a few months prior. It was my mom saying "You need to come home now, dad is not doing well." I remember stopping in my tracks as my heart sank, 'Lord give me strength'. As I packed up my things and quickly left my office, I headed northbound to my parent's house, not knowing what was ahead. I remember my brother calling - we were both going north in heavy rush-hour traffic.

I had ran through this moment over and over again in my head, but yet I still did not quite know what was happening. It was like a haze surrounded me.

When I got home my dad was with Molly, our hospice nurse, sitting in his usual spot on the couch; however this time he did not look so good. He smiled at me and greeted me with his usual "Squirt!", but I could tell he was smiling through a lot of pain. In reality, his blood pressure was dropping, his heart rate rising, and his temperature was through the roof. I found my mom and quickly learned that we were packing up to go to Quiet Oaks a hospice house in St. Augusta.
This is the place where my dad wanted to be when he died. You see, up until his last day here on earth, dad always cared more about everyone else around him - he did not want to leave trauma or memories of him dying at home. He wanted to be in a peaceful place that would take care of the family as well. Quiet Oaks was just the place.

Quiet Oaks Hospice House

We pulled out of the driveway that day knowing, in the back of our minds, that when we came home, dad would not be with us.

That was a long night, getting settled in, meeting with the doctor and hearing that he might not make it through the night. They gave him fluids, hoping to keep him here long enough to see his family the next day. I barely slept that night; waking up every half an hour to check my phone, making sure I didn't miss a call from mom, who was in the room with dad. But he made it through the night, and 9 nights after it. He got to see his entire family, and all of his very close friends. They got to say good bye to dad, and he to them. In the entirety of my life thus far, I have yet to experience emotions the way I did for those 9 days. Wanting so badly for him to be at peace, yet equally wanting him to stay with us. I did not want to lose my dad. However, when your dad looks you in the eye, with pain and suffering and says "I'm ready to be done fighting," you look at him and with everything left in you, you manage to say "It's okay dad. We will be okay. You can be at peace."

Saying good bye has never been so hard. I am so very grateful that I will see my dad again when I get to heaven; and I am overjoyed that he is pain-free with Jesus. But my heart aches every day, knowing that I cannot call him, just to say hi; or knowing that my children will never know their grandpa; knowing that my entire life, as I had it planned, has been altered and everything is going to be different. Saying good bye to my dad, knowing all of this, is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Yet, I am so very fortunate to have had that opportunity. To hear his words "I love you squirt. I am so proud of you," one last time.

I could not have asked for a better father, a better role model, a better play mate, supporter, and encourager. My dad always challenged my brother and I. He never let us give up, but constantly told us to reach for the stars. He always said 'I love you', and never held a grudge-towards anyone.

Many people ask 'why'. Why does a good man have to die? Why did cancer choose his body? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why? Why? Why? It makes me think back to a time during this journey when an acquaintance, who was known to pray healing over people, came out to the house. When she finished praying she said, "God is going to heal you and you will enjoy many more years with your beautiful family". I watched as my dad thought about this for a minute and then said, "But what if that's not God's plan? What if God allowed me to have cancer to touch many people's lives?" Well, dad, I think you were exactly right. And I know this because as I watched the 500+ people pack into our little church to honor your life, I saw the faces of many of those people who were impacted. Impacted because of his life, but even more-so impacted because of his death.

Jenna's Journal

Circumstances

For three weeks now I have been thinking about what to write that can sum up what God has taught me at this point in my dad’s journey with cancer. I don’t even know how many blog posts I've written, re-written, or even just thought up. Yet none seem to be sufficient. There is too much to say, and still so much to learn.

The other day, however, I read a line in a book that summed up exactly what I have spent pages and pages trying to write:

“If your heart is not right, your Christianity will last only as long as circumstances allow you to have everything you want.”
Mark Dever

Think about that. Read it again; and again; and think about it.

Four weeks ago I sat on the edge of my dad’s bed, holding his hand as he took his last breath. Tears rolled down my face as memories of my childhood with dad flashed through my mind; and then thoughts of all the things we will no longer be able to do together.

Circumstances were not allowing me to have everything I wanted – I want my dad, but I don’t get him anymore.

Some people think that being a Christian means life magically becomes comfortable, easy, and pain-free, but in fact Paul says it ought to be the opposite:

“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord or of me His prisoner; but join with me in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God…”
2 Timothy 1:8

Paul was a prisoner, urging Timothy not to fear the hardships he was about to face as a Christ follower, but rather to JOIN with Paul in his suffering for the sake of the Gospel.

Christ-follower or not, hardships will come. Bad things will happen to good people. Circumstances will forbid you to have everything you want. It is in these moments that I believe we, as followers of Christ, get to see what our faith is all about. Many fall away from the Lord during hard times, blaming God for “allowing this to happen” to the person they love so dearly. I can see how this would be a temptation, but between you and I, if hard times are going to come whether I trust God or not, I would rather choose to be held by the Creator of the universe and the Sustainer of life during these hard times; and I would much rather prefer to have the peace, hope and joy that God can offer.

At this point, I would like to clarify a couple of things:

1) I am by no means saying that hardships will make us happy. I am regularly sad and my heart continues to break when I think of my dad. There are some days that my heart physically hurts from missing him, longing for him to still be around. However, through this entire journey with cancer, I have been surrounded with peace that I cannot even begin to explain, and a hope that God is doing something so great – despite my ability to understand, now or ever.

And 2) I am also not saying that choosing to follow Christ will take away the hard part of a hardship. Losing my father has been the hardest thing I have done in my life thus far. I never imagined, at 23, that I would be looking into the sunken eyes of my 51 year old dad, giving him permission to die; telling him it’s okay to stop fighting. I never imagined, at 23, lying next to my unconscious father in bed, waiting for his heart to stop beating, telling him how much I love him and would miss him; reassuring him that we would be okay, and that I am so proud to have him as my dad. Hardships are called hardships for a reason – they are hard. Yet, even when I felt I couldn’t go another day. Even when I had no words left to pray, God poured out His strength on me, and sometimes it was just enough to get to the next minute or hour or day, but it was enough; and it continues to be the reason why I choose to trust Him in all things, and through all things, because I know that in my darkest times, his love and strength carried me.

“But the LORD has been my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge”

Psalm 94:22

As I said at the beginning, I still have a lot of learning to do, but I want to encourage you, my reader, to stop and think about your own heart. Does your faith only last as long as circumstances will allow you to have everything you want? Would you be able to stand on the promises of God if everything dear to you was taken away? Would you still trust God if someone you loved with all of your heart was taken sooner than you expected? Or would you walk away, blaming God for the sin that mankind brought upon the earth, causing bad things to happen to good people? To be completely honest, you may not be able to answer this question until you are faced with a hardship that causes you to make the choice; but when you do, I hope with all my heart that you will choose the Lord to carry you. Because He will, and you won't regret it.

“May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.”

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Jenna’s Journal

The Rock of my Refuge

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

"The LORD has been my stronghold, And my God the rock of my refuge."

Psalm 94:22

Just over two years ago I wrote a blog, "Cancer", which gave an introduction to my family's journey through the diagnosis of cancer to my dad. I've thought many times of posting an update throughout this journey, but felt as though dad covered it well on his Caring Bridge. Today, though, was different. Today, we all experienced a new part of this journey from our own perspectives. Today, we all took a step out, knowing the suffering that it would cause. Today, we met with the doctor, nurse and cancer care coordinator that have been taking such great care of my dad. Today we talked about "what's next".

There is not much that can be said or done to prepare for this day. Emotions ran high: before, during and after. Everything was put out on the table.

Talking about death was no longer avoided.

The past two years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs; good days and bad days; laughter and tears. But what has never ceased to amaze me is God's Love for our family. The way he has provided is far more than any of us could ever expect. He has provided financially, through gifts, meals, and gas cards. He has provided physically, through the Gorecki Guest House and the Ronald McDonald House. He has provided emotionally, through surrounding us with family, friends and strangers who have lifted us up in prayer, sat in the waiting room during surgeries, and sent letters, e-mails or have called. He has provided for us spiritually, through His Word. His written love letter to those who call upon Him, to those whom He loves, and to those who need to know they are intimately loved by a great and mighty God. A God who promises to never leave them nor forsake them.

Leaving the cancer center today with my family and heading towards my home tonight, I was in tears. Yes, for the obvious reasons, but the thing that stood above all of those was that God is SO good. His peace was overwhelming today, and has been since day one of this journey. I am in awe of my Creator because of not only what He has done for me, but that He cares so deeply - about me, about my family, about my dad - that He would send His Son, to die the death of a sinner, even though he had no sin, to take my sin away; to release me from the chains of that sin. To release my dad and my family from the chains of this cancer. We are free in Christ. Dad is free in Christ. And there is no greater comfort than that.

I have NOT given up hope on what God is doing in my dad's life. And dad is by no means ready to give up the fight, either, as he gets stronger each day. I do believe that He can work a miracle and rid my dad's body of cancer.  But I also know that if He so chooses not to, I have a Rock within my Refuge that will stand strong for me, for my family. I have a God that has a bigger plan beyond the small lens I look through.

I know that my life has been forever changed because of cancer. Maybe you have a story, too. Be it yourself or someone in your life. One of the best things you can do, as we have learned through our journey, is to share your story! You never know who else may be struggling, or even who else may be having some early cancer symptoms and may get checked out because of your story (this has happened multiple times with my dad's story). I invite you to share your story in the comments below, or send me an e-mail (jorrock8@gmail.com). I'd love to hear your story, and pray for you, as countless people have been doing for us.

Jenna's Journal

Falling for empty words

This is something I would call a "feel-good picture". How nice it looks, and as Christians we assume because it talks about worship and God it's gotta be biblical, right?

Lies.

The man who this quote is from is Plutarch, a Greek historian, biographer and essayist who is considered a Middle Platonist. I'll let you do the research yourself about this man, but I do want to point out one part of what he believes, "The gods of popular religions are merely different names for one and the same divine Being and the powers that serve them". I'm sorry, but this is not someone from whom I would like to take advice.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when God's Word is added to, taken away from, or simply just used out of context. There is nothing that infuriates me more. This is why I believe it is so very important to know God's Word! We should be studying it every day. Not because it is the right thing to do, but so that we can know what it says!

Back to the picture. It tells us that we have to be thankful and cheerful in order for our worship to not just be acceptable to God, but to be most acceptable. What a big, stupid lie! If you are familiar with the Bible at all, you will see the life of Paul, who experienced more trouble in his time as a Christian than nearly any American Christian will ever have to experience (2 Corinthians 11:23-27). He was broken down, wounded, and hanging on the last thread of His life. He worshiped God in this state and he was not always cheerful (adj. noticeably happy and optimistic), but I can guarantee you that God did not reject His worship on that premise, or say, "Meh. It's alright." Now, I do think that having a thankful heart in worship is biblical, as well as being joyful, but I do not believe that the words "most acceptable to God" are Biblical.

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Paul knew the worship that God desired.

"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship."

Romans 12:1

As did David, who saw sacrifice as a part of the act of worship.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; 

A broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." 

Psalm 51:17

A broken spirit. A broken and contrite heart. I believe this is more often the state in which we should be if we are to please God in our worship. We must remember that as sinners, we are not even welcomed into the presence of God. He is an Almighty God. We CANNOT belittle His Majesty. To be humbled in the presence of the Lord, to recognize our weaknesses and to confess our sins before Him is a proper response to His Greatness. This is what true worship is: committing our lives to His service because it is the fitting response to what He has done through His Son, making a way for us to enter into His presence once again. Despite what this nice picture may say, we cannot EARN our salvation, or the right to worship the Creator. We are only acceptable because of what Christ did on the cross. Nothing we do can help with that. He only accepts us, wholly, because He sees us through the blood of Christ. He desires us to see ourselves that way as well, and when we do, our worship will be quite pleasing to God.

Don't fall for every feel-good quote or phrase that's placed on a nice picture. Question it. Every time. Against the Bible. Even if it's a piece of Scripture. Read it in context and be sure it is being used properly. Especially as we watch many churches fall into the pit of the "prosperity gospel" (that doing Christian things will increase our blessing on earth, specifically financially). 

When we say things (or read things) that make ourselves feel good, and put God's name on it so it sounds Christian-like, we are only fooling ourselves. Study the Bible, so that when you come across the lies, you will know. 

"Do not quench the Spirit; do not despise prophetic utterances.

But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good;

 abstain from every form of evil."

1 Thessalonians 5:19-22

Jenna's Journal

Lessons from the Corinthians--Part 1

Over the last month I have spent my time each morning reading through the books of 1 & 2 Corinthians. Each day has brought a new lesson to consider throughout the day. As I finished my devotional study through these books, I decided to share some of the key thing that God has shown me. Through these lessons, I hope to shed light, and some context, onto verses that are over-used, as well as point out a few new gems.

The power of God is held in the cross--not in people

"For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel, not in cleverness of speech, so that the cross of Christ would not be made void. For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

1 Corinthians 1:17-18

It's true that the same power that rose Christ from the dead also works in us (Colossians 1:29). However, when it comes to the Gospel, and leading others to a growing relationship with Christ, the cross is the only power we need.

     Context: There was danger of division in the Corinthian's church because people were drawn to different styles of preaching and teaching. And although the preacher's were united in their message, there were quarrels (arguments) breaking out between believers as to which preacher was better. 

They were comparing the teacher and forgetting about the message. 

From the Commentators

"Don't let your appreciation for any teacher, preacher or author (worship leader, artist, or mentor) lead you into pride." ... "The persuasive power is the the story, not the storyteller"

We need to be talking about Jesus--not our great pastors.

Fire is the ultimate test of our ministry--not popularity

"For no man can lay a foundation other than the one which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if any man builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw each man's work will become evident; for the day will show it because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire itself will test the quality of each man's work."

1 Corinthians 3:11-13

Whether you work in full-time ministry or not, if you are following Jesus Christ, you are ministering through your life to those around you. The message we bring and even the encouragement we give, should be based on the Word of God, not a re-teaching of someone else from a self-help book. We can glean a lot of wisdom from others, but we must be sure that that wisdom lines up with the foundation, with Jesus Christ, or it will not with stand the fire. 

     Context: Paul has been driving home the power of God above the words of men. The Corinthians were getting too caught up in being the best followers of specific teachers, that their life message was starting to confuse people and push them away from the message that Jesus had brought.

They were trying to keep up with the latest, rather than pursuing Christ whole-heartedly.

From the Commentators

"Paul's words challenge our methods of discipleship...Do we use Bible-based teaching or merely adaptations of worldly wisdom?"

We need to build our ministry off of Christ--not worldly wisdom.

We must honor the weak--not the honorable

"On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. 

But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, 

so that there may be no division in the body, 

but that the members may have the same care for one another." 

1 Corinthians 12:22-25

As the body of Christ, it is our job to care for each other. If all we ever do is honor those who are already on a pedestal, we are only hurting the body. We must seek to honor those that are building up the body behind the scenes. 

     Context: This passage is sandwiched within Paul's discussion on spiritual gifts. He's telling the Corinthians that each member of the body possesses a different gift for a reason, to take care of each other. Paul makes it clear that those members with gifts that are not extraordinary are necessary to the body and will be shown favor, but those with extraordinary gifts do not need to be honored.

They needed to be better at looking out for the weaker members of the body.

From the Commentators

"Believers are in the world together--there is no such thing as private or individualistic Christianity. we need to get involved in the lives of others and not just enjoy our own relationship with God."

We need to give honor where honor is not due.

"So, my dear brothers and sister, be strong and immovable. 

Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, 

for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."

1 Corinthians 15:58, NLT

There is only so much that I can put in a blog before I lose the attention of my readers, but that's okay. I encourage you that if you feel stuck, and are longing to get into the Bible, start reading in 1 Corinthians, just a chapter a day. There is lots to learn from the Corinthians! What treasures can you find in God's Word as you read? 

And keep watch for Lessons from the Corinthians--Part 2

Jenna's Journal.

The Christian Walk: Is it even Biblical anymore?

I hear contemporary worship songs today sing about how God is “a friend of mine”, as if we had a panel of gods to choose from and how neat we are to have picked this God. This line, and others like it, have always irked me in the wrong way. I recently discovered the Biblical truth as to why this has been bothering me.

“Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. This I command you, that you love one another.”

John 15:13-17

According to these verses, we are HIS friends…under one condition, “if you do what I command you”. Followers of Christ should desire nothing more in their lives than to obey His commands and be obedient to His voice. However, I feel that this is less and less the case among Christians today. We have become so wrapped up in ourselves and what we need to “do” to look like a Christian, that we have forgotten about the real heart of our Salvation: God’s Love. 1 John 4:7-21 sums it up well. Here’s a snapshot of what John urges of his brothers and sisters:

“10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. 13 By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us His Spirit.”

1 John 4:10-13

John MacArthur, a respected author and commentator, said this about verse 12, “Nobody can see God’s love since it is invisible and Jesus is no longer in the world to manifest the love of God. The church is the only remaining demonstration of God’s love in this age” (emphasis mine). How are we doing, church, at demonstrating God’s love to those around us? Does our love reflect that which Christ demonstrated for us: selflessness, humility, compassion, and grace? The most common form of love discussed in the Bible is agape love. (Side Note: the term eros, the Greek word for romantic or sexual love, never once appears in the New Testament) MacArthur gets to the heart of the Greek word agape to define it as this: “Love is, above all, sacrificial. It is sacrifice of self for the sake of others, even for others who may care nothing at all for us and who may even hate us. It is not a feeling but a determined act of will, which always results in acts of self-giving.” (emphasis mine). So basically, love, as Jesus demonstrated and taught for His followers, is something we must be determined to do, whether we like it or not. This very same love is what we are commanded to do all throughout the New Testament by Jesus and his disciples.

I wonder if you caught this in the John passage…

“14 You are my friends if you do whatever I command you.

17 These things I command you, that you love one another.”

Christ first loved and demonstrated His love towards us. We did not love Him before He loved us. In fact, we HATED Him. We cared NOTHING for Him. We ran from Him the opposite direction. Yet, Christ’s love was this “determined act of will” that defines agape love. He did not give up on us, and that is a beautiful example of the way we need to be towards others, especially those who are in Christ.

“So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

Galatians 6:10

Another thing I find from this passage in John 15 is that Jesus tells us, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you…” (v. 16). He chose you. For something specific that only you can accomplish. He sought us out so that we could bear fruit for His Name. Not so that we could be “blessed” on earth. No, so that we could do good work for Him! For a better understanding of bearing fruit in all parts of our lives, check out this excellent message by Lecrae.

Our view of the Christian walk has been completely warped. We spend too much time talking about what is right and wrong. We get hung up on politics, education systems, and other people’s public sin, as if it is a surprise to us that there is sin in this world. The reality is, this is a fallen world, and Satan is the prince of this world until Christ comes back. But praise be to God that He has, through the sacrifice of His Son, purchased this world, placed us here to bring glory to His name, and provided His Spirit to guide and direct us. We have nothing to fear if we are in Christ.

“Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God…By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.”

1 John 4:15, 17-18

Fear is when we know there will be punishment. As God’s chosen, we do not have to fear, because He has called us as His friends, he has reached out to save us from this punishment. Therefore, we have the opportunity to suffer with Him, “that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead” (Philippians 3: 10-11). We can count it as a privilege to follow Christ’s example. And one of these ways is through love.

Let’s remind ourselves once again the love which God has demonstrated for us. Let’s stop falling prey to the eloquent words of empty truths. Let’s stop letting our feelings drive what we do and say, but make every effort to act with a determined will, especially to those who hate us. Let’s start holding the messages we hear, and the words we worship God with, against His Word of Truth. Let’s start asking for wisdom, knowledge and understanding like Daniel when he was faced with certain death (Daniel 2:21).

Let’s actually open up our Bibles and start reading the account and example of Christ. Let’s glean from the apostles of old who have given us more than enough advice on godly living. Let’s stop being lazy in our faith and start bearing fruit for His Name--because we know He deserves it. And let’s stop acting like we are someone worthy of God’s Love and forgiveness, because we are not; yet He has chosen to show it to us, so let’s worship Him for the perfection of His love that He has given to us. Let’s remember that we are the church, “the only remaining demonstration of God’s love in this age”, and let’s start ACTING like it, not just talking about it.

Jenna’s Journal.

Wisdom and Understanding

"Take my instruction and not silver, 

and knowledge rather than choicest gold. 

For wisdom is better than jewels; 

and all desirable things cannot compare with her."

Proverbs 8:10-11

As I was preparing myself to go to college three years ago, I asked the Lord to teach me what "the fear of the Lord" meant. A little bit at a time, He allowed me to experience moments that would lead me right into the fear of the Lord. However, what I learned was not what I expected. 

"The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; 

Pride and 

arrogance and 

the evil way and

 the perverted mouth, 

I hate."

Proverbs 8:13

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, 

and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."

Proverbs 9:10

Words like "wisdom", "understanding", and "knowledge" of the Holy One started to make sense. These weren't things I obtained by doing something (being in church, listening to sermons, raising my hands during worship, or even sharing my faith with others). God taught me that these were merely a result of my wisdom and understanding of Him.

As I begin to learn this lesson, I am struck with conviction and anger at how I  have been living my Christian life...often times with the wrong motivations...

Colossians.

Paul says a prayer for the church of Colossae, and he does not pray for good health, financial provision, or any blessings because of their faithfulness. No, he prays that:

"...you may be filled with the knowledge of His will 

in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 

so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, 

to please Him in all respects, 

bearing fruit in every good work 

and increasing in the knowledge of God; 

strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, 

for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; 

joyously giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light."

Colossians 1:9-12

If I am truly seeking to live my life for the fear of the Lord then I believe, according to these pieces of Scripture, I need to be constantly seeking the Lord in order that I may grow in knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. Then, and only then, will I be able to glorify Him in EVERY area of my life.

"Therefore, 

if you have been raised up with Christ, 

keep seeking the things above, 

where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God."

Colossians 3:1

When I committed my life to Christ, there were certain areas that did not align with God's call for me as a believer. A few of these included the music I listened to, the movies I watched, and the way I dressed. So, in order to throw off the sin that so easily entangles, I cleared my iTunes, broke my CD's, changed my movie selections, and practically cleared out my closet.This was not an easy task, especially since my friends, who were not believers, still consumed this media. I was very encouraged by this Scripture, though:

"Do all things without grumbling or disputing; 

so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, 

children of God above reproach 

in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, 

among whom you appear as lights in the world."

Philippians 2:14-15

Now, I believe that how we live our lives says a lot about us as believers and whether or not we are continuing to "seek the things above". The way I live, and the way I look towards outsiders, will state my desire for the Lord. What is my reaction to hard situations in life? What is on my radio in the car? What movies are on my shelf? What am I wearing?

One of my recent passions has been a desire for modesty among Christian girls. If we are going to be "children of God above reproach" in this world, then one thing we NEED to do is stand out, not blend in, in the way we dress. 

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, 

but a woman who fears the Lord, 

she shall be praised."

Proverbs 31:30

In light of everything I have learned about fearing the Lord, I have realized that it is my job as a woman (and a woman who longs to one day become a wife and a mother) to be dedicating my life to growing in my knowledge of the Lord first and foremost, and as I do that I desire to not only protect the sanctity of my body for my future husband, but also to help out my brothers in Christ in their walk with the Lord. 

As Christian women, we have all heard this...multiple times, I know. However, have you heard what the guys are saying? The majority of what I have learned about real modesty has come directly from the mouths of the men:
"I have encountered nothing more difficult in life than to try to avoid looking at a woman who is dressed in a revealing way."

"It is so much easier to talk to a girl when we don't have to worry about looking at her inappropriately." -Junior High Boy

I am convinced that truly dressing modestly does not come from "appropriate" and "inappropriate", one way or the other, but rather from the fear of the Lord. 

Seeking to grow in our knowledge and wisdom of Him, and then letting that permeate how we dress.

Now ask yourself (and maybe even a friend, too): Are you seeking to grow towards a greater knowledge of our Lord every day? Are you intentional about protecting the life that God has given you, and using it in every way to reflect Him? When people see your life outside of church events, do they know that you are a child of God, a light to this world?

I challenge us to really think about this, and take action to change the things that we need to. With God's strength and courage, we can, and when we do, I believe He will grant us more than we can ask or imagine.

Jenna's Journal.

Following Paul's Example

The Apostle Paul's story is not one of the ordinary. Being a persecutor of the church, then suddenly an evangelist for the church, his story reveals the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit. Because of his extravagant story, many people look up to him...I know that I do, and I have since I've committed my life to serving Christ. But I wonder, do we look up to Paul because of his great commitment to serving Christ, or because he is well known by his story and the books he wrote that are recorded in the Bible?

Many of us probably imagine Paul as a great preacher, in front of the crowds, sharing the good news of salvation to the Gentiles. We imagine him in the spotlight, like our pastor on Sunday mornings, or that famous author/speaker who comes to speak every now and then.

Although there were times that Paul was able to teach large crowds from up front, I believe Scripture tells us that they were not as numerous as the times he spent in prison, in shackles, being beaten, whipped, and stoned. Nor were they as numerous as the times he spent teaching and discipling the next generation of leaders so that they could be the ones to build up the churches.

So we look up to Paul, and we want to be like him and follow his example.
Yet, how willing are we to go all the way and make the same commitment he did?

Many of the pictures we have today tend to misrepresent what prison would have been like for Paul. The top two pictures are prisons much like the ones Paul could have been in. The left is one in Rome, which is where Paul spent the latter part of his years, and the one on the right is in Philippi. Neither are spacious or comfortable looking. Nor do they have beds and sinks like the prisons we may picture of today. No, these prisons are tight, dirty, muggy, hot, and not meant for people who are claustrophobic. THIS is where Paul lived most of his life, but not until after the authorities would afflict him. Paul committed his entire life to the Lord; it was not a side thing that he did twice a week. He had no other duties in life but to share the gospel with the Gentiles, no matter the cost:

"Giving no cause for offense in anything, so that the ministry will not be discredited, but in everything commending ourselves as servants of God, in much endurance, in afflictions, in hardships, in distresses, in beatings, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in hunger, in purity, in knowledge, in patience, in kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in genuine love..."

2 Corinthians 6:3-6

One thing God has been teaching me lately is how living a life for Christ is one of extreme commitment, not being comfortable and "doing good deeds". It's not about being a nice, happy person, going to church, being in a Bible Study, and volunteering in a ministry. A life that is committed to Christ is one of pure motivations, intentional decisions, and walking by the Spirit.

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, 

and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh."

Galations 5:16

Every day we need to chose to 

"not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of [our] mind, so that [we] may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

Romans 12:2

Every. Day.  

Committed. To. His. Greater. Glory.

Whatever a farmer plants (sows) is what he will harvest (reap). If he plants corn, he will harvest corn. If he plants beans, he will harvest beans. Let's say it is easier to plant beans than it is corn (I'm not a farmer, so I don't know if this is true or not, but let's just say..), so the farmer plants beans and expects to harvest corn. Now, we don't need to be farmers to know that this is just silly, not to mention impossible!

Well, Paul says the same thing about our lives in Christ:

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; 

for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. 

For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, 

but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life."

Galatians 6:7-8

Just like whatever the farmer plants he will also harvest, the same is true for our lives.

Wherever we invest our time, energy and committment (sowing) is what we will be rewarded for (reaping). This does not mean the journey will be easy, or the decisions a breeze to make. In fact, it shouldn't be easy, and we should hope that it is not. Because if it is, then we have done something terribly wrong: we have become like the world, we have conformed.

This Christian life is NOT about the happy feelings we get when we go to a conference or experience a good worship night. 

Though these things are good, and encouraging for our walk with the Lord, True Commitment is when we remain faithful (and joyful) in the midst of the hardships of life. 

When nothing seems to be going "right", and we're able to raise our hands and praise God that He is doing a mighty work in our hearts.

True commitment is living with integrity, whether someone is around or not:

Being modest because we know that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit and we want to guard it with our lives; Watching the words we say so that they are not hurtful to those around us, but rather so that they build others up; Being careful of the movies/shows we watch and the music we listen to, so that we may glorify God with Every area of our lives. 

True commitment is choosing to not participate in an activity with our friends (even if they are Christian friends) because we know that in doing so, we will just look like one of the world. 

True commitment is taking the time to reach out to non-Christian friends, and if we don't have any to find some, because that's what being a believer is all about!

True commitment walks in the Spirit all day, every day; not just when we are at church or doing devotions

We cannot stay within the walls of our churches, christian schools and homes and expect the Word to be preached to those who do not believe. They Will Not come to us, we Need to go to them. And it is not the job of the pastor, or missions pastor to do so. It is the job of the body of Christ. That is us!

I am challenging myself, along with anyone else who wants to give up the worldly-Christian life, to step out of the comfortable walls. 

To be willing, EVERY DAY, to say Yes to God and No to the patterns of this world. 

To soak in Scripture and pray for discernment of what is glorifying to God and what is not. 

To follow Paul's example, and make myself nothing so that Christ can be everything.

"Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; 

for when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:10

Righteous Anger-Is it possible?

"Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing."

Psalm 37:8

The term "righteous anger" is used a lot within Christian circles. It's used to explain our desire for justice in this world. We get righteously angry when someone is mistreated, or we see God and His Word being disrespected. Jesus even had righteous anger as he turned over the tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). But have we, as Christians, taken this concept further than we ought?

For as long as I've been in the church, I thought I understood this righteous anger: "It's okay to be angry, as long as it is for a good cause". But is that really what it is? Or have we turned it into a way of justifying our anger against people, organizations, and our government?
There are many passages in Scripture that talk about this topic; like the one below from Ephesians, that warns us against sinning when we are angry:

"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

Ephesians 4:26

And we are told over and over again in the Psalms and Proverbs,  to wait for the Lord:

"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation"

Psalm 5:3

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

Psalm 27:14

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry."

Psalm 40:1

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."
Psalm 130:6

"Do not say, 'I will pay you back for this wrong!' 
Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you."

Proverbs 20:22

 Paul also gives some instruction on this in the book of Romans:

"Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good" 

Romans 12:9b.

and

"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord."

Romans 12:19

So how are we to respond to all these pieces of Scripture? Well, if I've learned anything from being in Bible school it is this: look at the context.

"'Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, 

for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord. 

But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; 

for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' 

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Romans 12:19-21

So when something is done that is against God's Word, and all you want to do is give that person a piece of your mind, don't. Wait on the Lord. Vengeance is His. But what are we suppose to do in the meantime? "Overcome evil with good". Love. Trust in the hope that God has promised to us. Know that He has already won, and He will not let evil come out on top. Seek Him. Cling to what is good: cling to His Word. And in doing so, I believe He will lead us to a place in which we can stand up and defend Him and His Word. 

In other words, we need to be carefully watching our motives. We can be righteously angry, but in doing so, are we fulfilling an internal bitterness towards someone? Or are we desiring and longing for God's perfect plan to prevail? Has this anger occurred because we have been hurt personally, or because God is deliberately being disobeyed?

I've been wrestling through these questions a lot lately for myself and some anger I have been dealing with. I find great encouragement in Psalm 37. I need to trust in the Lord and delight in His ways. I need to spend more time praying, cultivating a faithfulness within myself, and committing my way to Him. I need to wait on the Lord and delight myself in Him.

So I challenge this upon myself, and to my brother and sisters in Christ: Where is your heart when you are angry? Do you need to stop and Wait on the Lord first?

"Do not fret because of evildoers, Be not envious toward wrongdoers.  

For they will wither quickly like the grass And fade like the green herb.  

Trust in the Lord and do good;  

Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.  

Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.  

Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.  

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light 

And your judgment as the noonday. 

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently (longingly) for Him;  

Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.  

Cease from anger and forsake wrath; 

Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.  

For evildoers will be cut off, 

But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land."

Psalm 37:1-9

We are ALL the church!

I have always been passionate about youth...junior high girls in particular.

It all started when I was a student leader my senior year of high school. I was paired with an adult co-leader and thrown into a leadership role for a small group of 7th and 9th grade girls.

I had no idea what I was doing. For the first few weeks I just observed, watching my co-leader guide a time of discussion amongst the girls. I slowly began adding my input, and asking thought-provoking questions of them. A few months into the school year, my co-leader pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to lead the group by myself, as she had administrative things she needed to get done during the small group time. I said yes, not knowing that this decision would spark my passion and love for students and being a leader amongst the next generation.

I went off to college the next year, leaving my beautiful girls behind, but never forgetting all they had taught me and never giving up my time of prayer for them.
With a fire in my heart, I plugged into a church closer to my school. The junior high pastor and female associate immediately welcomed me as a leader into their ministry. I jumped right in. Paired with a senior high co-leader, we led a small group of about 10 girls on Sunday mornings. For the first few weeks I felt lost, I had no idea what to do! But, the girls were patient with me, and helped me along the way.

That summer, God called me to stay in Eden Prairie as an intern at the church under the junior high female associate. My passion continued to grow, and I was excited for the next year of small groups and being able to pour into my group of girls for another year. The female associate discipled me and took me under her wing not just during the summer, but throughout the school year as well as the following summer when I got to intern again!

 As school went on, and ministry happened, my heart grew more and more passionate for this ministry. (And when I say "ministry", I don't mean the programming, I mean pouring my life out for the sake of the next generation)

Junior High Ministry is two-years long, then they are off. This first group of girls that I had are now in high school. I am still able to pour into them, but I also get to invest in a new group of 7th graders!

However, the point of this blog is not to give you a story of where God has taken me physically in ministry, but to show what God has done IN me, spiritually, THROUGH ministry.
Each Wednesday night, I stand amongst a group of about 250 junior high and senior high students as we worship. And each week, I am taken aback by their Love for the Lord, and their Desire to know Him more. This is one of my favorite things about ministry: The encouragement from them in  my own faith journey..

Often times, adults, or even myself as a leader, think that we are "above" these students, and that they are still in the 'process' of growing towards spiritual maturity. And we let them go to Sunday School and Youth Group so that they can reach their prime before we send them out or, in some cases, even allow them into the "big church".
I have a problem with this. A BIG problem.
I recently heard someone say, "Students aren't going to be the church, they ARE the church". And as part of the church, they are part of the body, therefore, we can learn from them, just like we learn from others "our own age". The majority of the spiritual growth in my personal life throughout middle and high school came from those much older than me. There was a group of women that took me into their Bible Study. I was the only student and they were all at least 25 years older than myself. This group changed my life. And I theirs.

I recently had a student talk to me after church service on Sunday about how uneasy they felt with the message, and how it sparked conviction, longing and desire for the Lord. Is this not what we are supposed to do after we hear the Word of God? But yet every week we rush out of the worship center with our minds already set on the next thing we have to do. I am guilty of this, and this student helped me to stop and really think about what God's Word was saying in my life.

So my question is this, to those young and old; Are you going to sit on the sidelines and do what you've always done, receiving what you've always received and move through life in a comatose state? Or will you stop, observe, and welcome those of other generations around you: how they worship, their passion and longing for the Lord, their desire for others to know the Lord, and the cry in their hearts to feel accepted, even amidst their own church family. In doing so, your life will be changed and you will change the lives of those around you.

The church is not about the building, it's not about Sunday morning or Wednesday night, it's certainly not about the programming that happens, or even about the type of music that is played during musical worship.
The church is a body of believers who love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind and strength, and long to encourage, uplift and spur one another on towards the work of the Kingdom.
Yes, the church of today has lost this vision...but that doesn't mean we have to.
How are you doing your part as the body of Christ, as the church, in your sphere of influence?

Jenna's Journal.

"Cancer"

That's a word you don't like to hear, from anyone, but especially not from your family.

On December 13, 2011 I got a call from my dad. As he informed me that he had been diagnosed with Colon Cancer, the news caught me off guard. Just as everyone will say "I didn't think it'd happen to me," I, too, really did not expect it.
"How far along is it?" I remember asking him.
"Stage 3."
Whoa. That's serious. I had to sit down and gather my thoughts. "My dad has cancer"... That sounds weird! And how am I suppose to respond to that?!

The rest of that finals week and then my weekend in Arizona were that same way: numb. I wasn't sure how to respond, and thought that maybe it wasn't actually true.
But it was, and 6 days later he was going in for surgery to remove the cancerous part of his colon (in hopes that this would take away the cancer and he would not have to do chemo). Well, he had surgery and they successfully removed the cancer in the colon. But after they opened him up, they found cancer in the small intestine as well.
More words you don't want to hear: It has spread. Stage 4 (of four). Chemo Therapy.

But God is good, and we also received the news that it was not on the lymph nods. This is wonderful because it means that it won't spread any further than where it is at.  It is also very uncommon for a Stage 4 cancer to not be found in the lymph nods, so we are thankful.

We spent the next week in the hospital as dad recovered. It was a slow recovery, but it was awesome to be together as a family. I realized then, too, what true love is. My parents have always set a wonderful example of a great marriage, and as I watched my mom consistently be there for my dad, taking walks with him, staying up late, sleeping in a chair by his bed, I hoped that someday I can be even half the mom and wife that she is!

For the first couple days, dad was on an epidural which basically took away any pain that he could have had. It was great. But once they took that out, and his digestive system didn't wake up right away, they had to resort to a tube down his throat in order to remove what was currently in his stomach and wasn't passing through. He had the tube for a couple days, which hindered him from talking or feeling well at all. Seeing dad like this was hard since he is usually very talkative and upbeat.

Christmas day the tube came out and he felt great. It was a different Christmas for all of us, but what a blessing to still be able to be together as family, no matter where we are!

My brother and I were also blessed to be able to be with the extended family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I can't help but be thankful for the close relationships I have with all of my extended family. I am very close to all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I know this isn't something that every family gets to have.

The next day after Christmas, the doctor released him, and my dad came walking through our front door that evening. It was so wonderful to have him home. Not only was I getting lonely being at home by myself, but it hadn't been Christmas in my mind without dad around. The joy of having him home was enough, but we also got to celebrate Christmas on the 28th. After cinnamon rolls for breakfast, we popped in the yule log DVD, distributed presents and began opening. This is probably my favorite part of the holidays: traditions.

Dad has a long road ahead of him, starting chemotherapy on January 16th. But there is something that I will never forget my mom saying, "This is the cup that God has given us. We will take it, and we will rely on Him."
I love my family, and am very thankful for them each day, especially in this time! We are touched by all the love, prayers, and encouragement we have received the past month, and as the reality sinks in, we are only drawn closer to the Lord and His comfort and strength! 

"The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot. 

I have set the Lord continually before me; 

Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 

Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will dwell securely.

You will make known to me the path of life; 

In your presence is fullness of joy; 

In your right hand there are pleasures forever."

Psalm 16: 5, 8-9, 11

Jenna's Journal.